Category Archives: Marital Sex

Wilson’s Quadruple-Speak: To Doug Wilson’s Defenders

The greatest difficulty in demonstrating the dishonesty of Doug Wilson lies in the very thing he does so well- speaking out of both sides of his mouth. On one hand he teaches plenty of things that tickle the ears of right-wing Christians. Fathers rule the home, and their wives should submit. That all sounds Godly and Biblical because it is. So, when someone comes along to appropriately point out how he undermines those things on a regular basis like some feminist-Christian, the typical reaction is disbelief or automatic dismissal. This article should hopefully lay it out for his readers as to why people like myself see him that way.

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Debunking the Myth that “Marital Sex Is Not A Solution For Lust”

Bnonn & Foster sent out their latest newsletter yesterday titled, “Notes on manhood 2021 week #25″. In it they revealed that they’re still just as stunted in their views of biblical sexuality as your standard Christian feminist:

Let us leave behind magic numbers, and move onto wise principles for knowing whether a couple is ready for marriage. Here are five: (…) 5. Focus on training your sons and daughters to harness their sexual energy towards productive ends. So much of the young marriage stuff is motivated by parents who think their children can’t overcome lust and stay chaste into their early 20s. But marrying young is not a solution for this. Sex does not cure lust; it merely channels sexual energy licitly. A man who has not learned to control his eyes before marriage, for instance, is not going to do any better after marriage, and is frankly not marriage material.

This kind of attitude towards marital sex can be found everywhere. At Blazing Grace, Mike Genung wrote a scathing piece on this subject, but it can be summed up with this paragraph:

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Marital Sex MUST Be “Mutual”!

Sometime back Sheila was going on a Twitter-campaign to let the world know just how eeeeevil the book Love & Respect is.

I’m not interested in defending the book Love and Respect per say, but rather, this assumed belief Sheila has that sex must be mutually gratifying or mutually fulfilling in some manner.

I challenged Sheila to provide Scripture to prove this assertion of hers- that “sex should be mutual.”

Unsurprisingly, this stalwart rescuer of Christian women around the globe eventually just blocked me.

For a man standing behind what the Scripture says and only what the Scripture says, he can see Sheila’s nonsense with perfect clarity. The Bible never says that if you have sex purely for physical reasons that you are committing a sin. Nor does the Bible say that it’s a sin for a husband or a wife to have sex purely for their own satisfaction and not their spouse’s. On the fundamental level, there isn’t a verse that even hints at such a concept.

Sheila didn’t care to acknowledge this fact. Instead she resorts to good old-fashioned poisoning of the well. “It is pornography that talks about sex as being about a man taking what he wants.” No, Sheila. That’s the way God talks about sex. It’s straight out of the book of Proverbs:

Proverbs 5:15 (ESV) Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. 16 Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? 17 Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. 18 Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, 19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. 20 Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?

The Holy Spirit who inspired King Solomon to write this book felt quite comfortable talking about sex being about a man taking what he wants. The man wants sex, and so he is commanded to drink from his own cistern/well. He’s even being explicitly told to use his wife’s boobs to satisfy him at all times. No such mention of the mutual gratification/fulfillment on the wife’s part is mentioned, and for Sheila, that just won’t do.

Proverbs 5 “never once talked about how sex should be mutual and how it was created for her too” either. As you can see though, that isn’t important to Sheila. She never offered a verse proving what she kept asserting was a required feature of marital sex. Does that phase her? Not one wit, because the Scriptures simply don’t matter to her. If we’re going to talk about pure and simple abominations, I’d say that comes pretty darn close.

Is Sheila Gregoire An Expert on Marriage or Isn’t She?

Buckle up. We got a long one here.

I checked, and confirmed that Sheila really is writing another book about sex, and it’s set to be released on March 2nd, 2021. I gotta say, that’s a pretty blasé cover. This looks like some cheap cover you’d find printed back in the early 2000’s by a publishing company that didn’t have any faith in their product. Maybe Gregoire and co. haven’t made up their minds on the final design.

I’ll tell you one thing I can’t figure out about Sheila- has she even made up her mind on whether she’s an expert on marriage? She’s claimed to have an informed perspective on marriage since at least March 6th of 2012*. Take this description from The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex on Amazon: Continue reading

You Can’t Negotiate Genuine Desire, But That’s Not The Point.

Rollo Tomassi is correct when he says you can’t negotiate genuine desire. Femininely Mild isn’t arguing that you can. She’s denouncing women who take advantage of their husband’s sexual needs to exert control over him. While a husband can’t negotiate genuine desire on the part of his wife, she can use his genuine desire to force him into negotiations. That’s where chore lists come from, and why sex is listed as a reward for completing the list.

The proper response to that kind of sinful manipulation is straight-forward denunciation. The rebuke is not intended to generate genuine desire within the wife. It’s to confront her sin and exhort her to repent of what she’s doing. Repenting of this sin would lead to the wife giving her husband sex. Does this mean she’ll wind up having sex with him even though she doesn’t genuinely desire him? Most likely, yes, but that’s not the point. We’re all required to obey God whether we like it or not, and that includes wives. It’s not wrong to tell a frigid wife to have sex with her husband just because her doing so won’t make her want him. Hopefully that will happen, but if it doesn’t, that’s okay.

In fact, it’s a common phenomenon for Christians to experience sanctification in a begrudging manner. We can all think back to times when we realized we had to stop doing something we enjoyed because it would directly or indirectly violate God’s commands. Perhaps we hated it at first, but over time, that hatred waned and melted away. What a tragedy it would be if we were to refrain from obeying God because we thought we only had to obey Him if we felt like it first! So a wife isn’t attracted to her husband, and she doesn’t want to obey God. Is it better that she sins instead? Should she also miss out on the opportunity to develop those feelings over time because she’s not in the mood now? Of course not!

It’s true- we can’t negotiate genuine desire. Most Christians don’t know how to create it at all, let alone that negotiating for it won’t work. We should definitely learn how to go about that. However, if we don’t know how to do that right now, but in the meantime we obey God despite our desires to the contrary, then we’ve won, because that’s what matters most.